Two days ago I got an email. It said “second reminder for dédé’s birthday”. I made a note to remove the date from my list as to not be reminded every year how sad I was about to become. March 27 is also mom’s birthday and every year, I cannot help but get sad on that one day. This year is not only is it the first double whammy, but dédé’s loss is still fresh and the wounds have not fully healed. It’s normal to become overwhelmed. I realize you just have to hold your head up high, and walk forward looking the world in the face. I find it to be the only way to stay strong enough. There’s no right or wrong way to grieve or to heal. You just keep doing what you’re doing until one day it doesn’t hurt as much anymore. The important thing is to figure out what you’re going do to not let it make you sad anymore.
So this afternoon, I baked a birthday cake. I looked at old pictures and I tried to recall as many birthdays as I could. I began thinking of my favourite anecdotes; the ones that made me laugh the hardest or smile the biggest. I remembered things that irritated, elated, angered and saddened me the most about them. I thought what I was the most proud of them for and what I respected most about them. I was bewildered at how much my memories differed from other peoples’ stories. I find it ridiculous how after someone dies everyone talks about their “accomplishments”, listing them like title in a bibliography. Or they summarize the person’s life like a book report: born here, educated there, married such and such, had this many kids/grandkids, worked hard, owned this and that, died on this day.
What should be spoken about (and what we should focus on) is moral fibre and character. Interaction with others and contributions to the community should be paramount, not the number of years one consistently held the same job. Behaviour towards loved ones and more importantly actions towards those we don’t particularly care for should weigh more that the amount of money one earned, saved, or spent. We should be judged based on the good we did for all (society, mankind), not just ourselves (household- or more broadly our family and friends). We should be remembered for smiles caused, hands held, shoulders leaned on, compassion extended. Remembered not for the favours we were asked to carry out, but the kindness we offered with no expectation of accolades, retribution or recognition.
Today is doubly difficult because I’m missing both of them, two of the people who loved and understood me the most. A million memories flooded my mind and I was overcome with emotion. However, the more I thought about it, the more I realized it shouldn’t be hard. I suppose it is understandable TODAY, but there’s no use getting sad on the day of their birth… without it, I would have not had the pleasure of meeting, knowing and loving either of them. So I decided today, on my grandfather’s 83rd and mother’s 54th birthday, I am going to become more like them: loving, honest, fair, helpful, compassionate, involved, and respected. I am going to think of what they hoped for me and remind myself of the qualities they possessed. As a present to the two people I miss the most, I will try from this day forward to live a life that makes them both proud.
