Amendment to Dede

Grief is evil.

Everyone always talks about taking time to grieve and coping with loss, and all that bullshit to excuse his or her selfish behaviour. Grief doesn’t help. It doesn’t heal. It plays tricks on you and makes you doubt yourself. It puts thoughts into your head and convinces you to “acknowledge or accept” them as truth. Grief is a monster that can consume you whole.

I gave him a lot. Although never the lines of anything you could capture in a snapshot or frame and place on the mantle for all to ooh and aah, but I gave him something.  Self-satisfaction.

My pride, my conviction, my doing what I wanted despite everyone else... all those were traits he possessed, and I inherited. Proudly. I spoke my mind and never allowed steps on my toes. I have a kind heart and a short fuse and these were things for which everyone faulted him. He saw them in me and appreciated them.

verdana

The most you can hope for is to win the lottery.

the least you can hope for is that the jackpot be 1 million dollars.

that would be awesome.

Thought of the Day

Nobody is ever going to write a “hey look at her” story about me, and that’s my fault.

Teleporting, Why is it not a Verb?

It just has to be possible. there has to be a way. if nothing is made of solid mass and we’re just a bunch of little atoms floating really really, really close together to form some kind of mass. there has to be a way to either make you “un mass”.

Dec 8

I am a firm believer that the beat of your own drum is  way fuckin’ better than the music everyone else is listening to.

Dec 4

Christians are activists for other Christians. They are the most Xenophobe, or “self-loving”. They are not politically, socially, or environmentally aware. They do not save animals or trees. They don’t promote recycling. They do not preach equal rights.

This House

I find myself now very excited about moving I realize today that it’s sad in a way, packing up (crying). I am excited because it’s an opportunity to start fresh, somewhere new, somewhere where we make our decisions more comfortable. We make them with more knowledge and experience. We get to think about what’s best for us, not everyone around us. And I don’t mean that in a selfish way, I mean it in a more evolutionary way, to think about self-preservation and self-fulfilment as opposed to slowing one’s self-improvement of one oneself at the detriment of one’s personal advancement.

  

I’m excited about starting over somewhere (sorry!) English, where I’m charming, witty, and comfortable, where I don’t have to stutter searching  for my words, and my jokes aren’t lost. I can go to the corner store and talk to the lady every day. The potential of either actually making a life for myself there, the life I want, or this being a stepping stone to something bigger, better ,and different is refreshing. A little step in opening my mind up to new possibilities. All this is exciting.

Today as I pack up paintings and pictures and random things, I come across objects that remind me of SOMETHING and walking away from all that to jump into something I’m  completely unaware of is just scary and frightening and very heartbreaking at the same time. I come across things that I put away here, for another day, and I was going to do them, and this was going to be for that. I realize I spend so much time doing that, a lot of time and energy and effort and care on this house. This house I don’t even like in this neighbourhood I’ve come to despise in a city I hate. It’s this crooked, uneven, mystifying house, and yet when I think of what it was when I came here and what it is now, I can’t help but feel something because it is ours. And I rarely referred to it as home, for the last 5 years it is where my heart and my life with Vince have been.

I’m still excited and optimistic but today is the first day I am saddened to leave this behind.

Prelude to Aug 17

Today right now I’m very optimistic about moving, I’m actually not hoping, because that’s extreme, but I’m asking the universe to allow everything to happen to facilitate that.

I realise it would be a fresh start a chance to completely start over somewhere different, with a new set of responsibilities and priorities, a new outlook and understanding. To start a life which depends solely on our efforts and opinions, and doubt and criticism have hopefully vanished. I’m optimistic and somewhat confident. I am open to living as simply, easily, and not taking anything for granted-ly. I will try to not accept more than I earned or ask for more than I deserve and allow myself to be happy because I don’t owe anyone anything. That would be really nice.

I’m hoping the stars align for me and Vince and we can finally do something on which we see eye to eye and  is a choice made by both of us. I’m honestly asking that everything goes through in a way that is fair and allows us to do this comfortably. 

The Move

 On Friday Vince got offered a job in Belleville.

Although I really don’t want to move somewhere that small, somewhere that’s not the city (which I've been dying to move back to), for two people who have complained for so long about their situation and being stuck and all the other things we’ve complained about, this is a really, really, really, really good opportunity. It is an opportunity to start over, to start fresh; to start things and do them the way we want to, at the pace we want to, at the everything we want, instead of the way everyone else wants or is said to be "normal".

We don’t like being here; it’s an amalgamation of other people’s desires wishes advice opinion and not really our own. It would by hypocritical to say we want to leave so much and finally get the change and not go anywhere. It is a chance to do things on our own time on our own terms. To make a name for ourselves. To make friends based on preference and having common ground and common interest rather than geography and kindergarten. It will be a big change, but hopefully one that will lead us to some answers because we clearly haven’t found some yet.

Sometimes the most educated are the most ignorant, and I am basing this on what they have been taught.

Sometimes an Ivy League education can mean being intructed by some of the most closed-minded people. People whose views are slanted,  who make the rich, god-fearing, white man the hero of every story. There has to be not only the awareness that everything you are taught is not necessarily fact but sometimes what is being preached is only one person’s opinion. 

You have to possess the audacity to question, the courage to speak out, the respect to understand, the clarity to understand it all. And then find the wisdom to make that distinction between fact and belief.