This House

I find myself now very excited about moving I realize today that it’s sad in a way, packing up (crying). I am excited because it’s an opportunity to start fresh, somewhere new, somewhere where we make our decisions more comfortable. We make them with more knowledge and experience. We get to think about what’s best for us, not everyone around us. And I don’t mean that in a selfish way, I mean it in a more evolutionary way, to think about self-preservation and self-fulfilment as opposed to slowing one’s self-improvement of one oneself at the detriment of one’s personal advancement.

  

I’m excited about starting over somewhere (sorry!) English, where I’m charming, witty, and comfortable, where I don’t have to stutter searching  for my words, and my jokes aren’t lost. I can go to the corner store and talk to the lady every day. The potential of either actually making a life for myself there, the life I want, or this being a stepping stone to something bigger, better ,and different is refreshing. A little step in opening my mind up to new possibilities. All this is exciting.

Today as I pack up paintings and pictures and random things, I come across objects that remind me of SOMETHING and walking away from all that to jump into something I’m  completely unaware of is just scary and frightening and very heartbreaking at the same time. I come across things that I put away here, for another day, and I was going to do them, and this was going to be for that. I realize I spend so much time doing that, a lot of time and energy and effort and care on this house. This house I don’t even like in this neighbourhood I’ve come to despise in a city I hate. It’s this crooked, uneven, mystifying house, and yet when I think of what it was when I came here and what it is now, I can’t help but feel something because it is ours. And I rarely referred to it as home, for the last 5 years it is where my heart and my life with Vince have been.

I’m still excited and optimistic but today is the first day I am saddened to leave this behind.