Coincidences and Superstition

Tonight, I took a bath. A nice, long, hot, invigorating oatmeal and sea salt bath.I reclined, hands folded behind my head, until the water touched my ears, my face barely protruding out of the bubbles. It felt nice. For the first time is weeks, I felt somewhat relaxed.

I took a deep breath, inhaling the cinnamon, orange and rosemary scented steam that surrounded me. I Wanted To Feel This Good All The Time. I wanted to be more relaxed. I wanted to recreate this feeling at all times, to be as contented as possible always. Trouble is I didn’t know how, or what I wanted or needed to be happier. Like  Kundera said :We can never know what to want because living only one life, we can neither compare it with our previous lives nor perfect it in our lives to come.I began to question myself, and then I stopped. I remembered how nice it felt to feel good a few seconds ago and decided I wanted to feel that good all the time. I pretended I was in the sea, floating on a hammock, the warm waves splashing me.   I breathed… deeply… deeper still.  I visualized, I imagined, I wished. I exhaled… I smiled… I unclenched.  For the first time, I found my inner calm. 

I decided to be more open-minded, more aware of what was happening around me. I resolved to be alert to the little signs that the universe kept sending me and act on them. I continued breathing, enjoying the moment, trying not to think of anything other than the ocean. I stayed as still as I could, breathing slowly, steadily, and tried to focus only on the warm water. I thought of how nice it felt against my skin, how comfortable and at peace I felt. Then, it dawned on me. I wanted to be free. Not free of anyone/thing in particular, but free of stress, free of debt, of obligation, of distress. Free of worry. I had to focus. 

When I came down in my pink fuzzy monkey robe, I felt refreshed and enlightened. I grabbed a meditation book, eager to read it and put into practice all I learned.  I glanced at the clock:  11:11.  I made a wish.  I wished that tomorrow will be better than today.  No! I exlaimed, out loud to no one, and wished every “day after” be better than the current one, for me and everyone who is important to me. 

It’s not that I’m superstitious; it’s just that every action has a reaction.  I have no reason to pass up the opportunity to make a wish in the hopes that it may come true. Call in what you want: Karma (cause and effect), reciprocity (The Golden Rule), “good vibes”, even wishful thinking, it doesn’t matter. You only get what you put forth right? I needed to figure out how to act in order to set forth the biological-chemical-consequential/-cosmological-chain reaction necessary to live freely. Once the baby steps have been figured out, I can begin moving forward in the right direction. 

And now even as I write this I realize my wish was not good enough. It was selfish... I wish better days forevermore for everyone, even those who don’t wish it upon themselves.