Coincidences and Superstition

Tonight, I took a bath. A nice, long, hot, invigorating oatmeal and sea salt bath.I reclined, hands folded behind my head, until the water touched my ears, my face barely protruding out of the bubbles. It felt nice. For the first time is weeks, I felt somewhat relaxed.

I took a deep breath, inhaling the cinnamon, orange and rosemary scented steam that surrounded me. I Wanted To Feel This Good All The Time. I wanted to be more relaxed. I wanted to recreate this feeling at all times, to be as contented as possible always. Trouble is I didn’t know how, or what I wanted or needed to be happier. Like  Kundera said :We can never know what to want because living only one life, we can neither compare it with our previous lives nor perfect it in our lives to come.I began to question myself, and then I stopped. I remembered how nice it felt to feel good a few seconds ago and decided I wanted to feel that good all the time. I pretended I was in the sea, floating on a hammock, the warm waves splashing me.   I breathed… deeply… deeper still.  I visualized, I imagined, I wished. I exhaled… I smiled… I unclenched.  For the first time, I found my inner calm. 

I decided to be more open-minded, more aware of what was happening around me. I resolved to be alert to the little signs that the universe kept sending me and act on them. I continued breathing, enjoying the moment, trying not to think of anything other than the ocean. I stayed as still as I could, breathing slowly, steadily, and tried to focus only on the warm water. I thought of how nice it felt against my skin, how comfortable and at peace I felt. Then, it dawned on me. I wanted to be free. Not free of anyone/thing in particular, but free of stress, free of debt, of obligation, of distress. Free of worry. I had to focus. 

When I came down in my pink fuzzy monkey robe, I felt refreshed and enlightened. I grabbed a meditation book, eager to read it and put into practice all I learned.  I glanced at the clock:  11:11.  I made a wish.  I wished that tomorrow will be better than today.  No! I exlaimed, out loud to no one, and wished every “day after” be better than the current one, for me and everyone who is important to me. 

It’s not that I’m superstitious; it’s just that every action has a reaction.  I have no reason to pass up the opportunity to make a wish in the hopes that it may come true. Call in what you want: Karma (cause and effect), reciprocity (The Golden Rule), “good vibes”, even wishful thinking, it doesn’t matter. You only get what you put forth right? I needed to figure out how to act in order to set forth the biological-chemical-consequential/-cosmological-chain reaction necessary to live freely. Once the baby steps have been figured out, I can begin moving forward in the right direction. 

And now even as I write this I realize my wish was not good enough. It was selfish... I wish better days forevermore for everyone, even those who don’t wish it upon themselves.

Pedicures = Happiness

The world we live in sucks. Now do not misunderstand, life is beautiful. The opportunity to breathe, to learn, to taste, to explore, to conquer, and to discover is marvellous. It is a privilege that no one should take for granted. Unfortunately, that is more than often not the case. We overexert ourselves planning the details, crunching the numbers, rushing to get things done, comparing ourselves with others. We focus solely on the destination while forgetting to enjoy the journey. Everyone is so busy running around trying to be the best, the greatest, the quickest, the first. Most of the time we make ourselves sick with stress. We have free will and everything we do, we do willingly. We create obligations for ourselves and strain ourselves to fulfil our “duty”.

  

When I feel a little down, I’ve noticed that a quick coat of pink nail polish or even 10 minutes in a tanning bed can really make it worth having gotten out of bed that morning. However silly this may sound, these simple pleasures make me smile. I smile enough to realize that it’s not that bad, or I’m not as upset as I thought. I think level-headedly about what was bothering me to begin with. If something is causing discomfort, I try to distance myself.  If I have a rift with someone, I try to talk to them and try to reach an understanding. If I’m unhappy with what I’m doing, I try to think of what I want instead.  I tend to surround myself with the people I am the most comfortable around. I get really into arts and crafts, because it is my favourite pastime.

I don’t always manage to correct the situation, but I always realize something about myself.  In trying to cope with a situation, I sometimes remember or rediscover the people and things I enjoy the most. I think about what I want to fix about my character or my situation, and how to amend it. I don’t always succeed but it helps me to appreciate myself.  However, I am sometimes shocked at my own behaviour and these are the revelations which yield the most perspective. Before I calm down enough to think, though, I am extremely hard on myself. I am critical, I doubt and question, I curse. I think and I cry and I sulk until I realize nobody is perfect, neither am I.

We cannot be perfect yet our goal is to attain perfection. By understanding it does not exist, and equating perfection with “freedom from discomfort and struggle” we are able to find what we need to be happy and have a “perfect life” free of strain. We need to think of what we REALLY want instead of what we don’t have.  If we focus on the positive (what we excel at, what makes us content, what we have earned) instead of the negative (what we failed at, what we lost, what upsets us) we will ultimately head down the right track. By changing our perspective we will be more open to possibilities and opportunities. We will notice coincidences and attract like-mindedness. By thinking of only the negative, we only torture ourselves, creating more and more negative thoughts. The power to change is ours. If we’re unhappy with something (our relationship or a friendship, our job, social life, etc…) it is because we do not want to be in that situation.

If we’re unhappy with something regarding our partner or friend, we need to talk to them. If we are honest and discuss our concerns and the outcome still does not satisfy us, we have a choice. End it. If something we are doing is making us unhappy, we need to just stop doing it. It’s simple: meet new people, get a new job, do new things. Find a hobby, take a class, join a group, or volunteer... anything. DO WHATEVER YOU WANT TO BE DOING.  The goal do something DIFFERENT since obviously “the usual” doesn’t seem to be working. If we’re unhappy, it’s no one’s doing but our own. Whatever makes us sad, we have to replace it, basically. We need to try different things not giving heed to other people’s criticism, or popular beliefs; follow our instincts despite others’ advice; keep our eyes open for opportunity. We must think, but not over-analyze, find time to enjoy ourselves and give in to (harmless) guilty pleasures sporadically. 

Pink Floyd and Inaction

“And then one day you find ten years have got behind you. No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun.”

                                                                                                      -   Time by Pink Floyd

There are many ways to get from point A to point B. I know this is cliché, but often times getting there isn’t as important and HOW you arrived. If you are constantly looking for shortcuts or easy ways out, you only cheat yourself out of enjoying what is around you. Every wrong turn you take will only cause frustration and anxiety. If you take the straight road, the one already mapped out you will never undergo anything for yourself. You’ll encounter many people along the way and all their stories will be almost identical to yours, rarely discovering anything new. The people behind you will have seen exactly what you just saw. The people ahead can only tell you what’s in store.

If you opt to take the scenic route, it may take you longer to reach your destination, but you will witness a myriad of events along the way. You will cross paths with many people who all have a different story to tell. Their tales will encourage you, their trials will enlighten you.  You will live through a diversity of experiences, each of them helping you discover, little by little, the person you are destined to become.

These last few months, as my birthday nears, the above lyrics began to ring truer. My dad said that when his mother knew she was dying, she related to and appreciated this song.  The more I listened to it, the more I feared “un-change”.  I have been wasting time, I feel, doing what I was “supposed” to, rather than what I wanted.  It seems every time I made a plan or set a goal, the universe put every obstacle imaginable in my way. I would think, plan, research, discuss, experiment, and always, to no avail. I was always disappointed, often discouraged, and sometimes found it hard to want to attempt anything again. I had tried everything, new ideas, new goals, new timeframes, new methods, new perspective, and even new priorities. Nothing worked. I needed to find a better way to live and think, to decide and cope… A better understanding.

 I thought of Taoist theory of inaction, then the Buddhist theory of interdependent arising, the laws of science and forces of nature. I even considered the Christian theory of "God's plan, or destiny", the occult, mysticism, things being written in the stars. I soon realized the only thing I never did was just "let things happen". I don’t mean sitting on my ass all day waiting for everything to fall into my lap, I just mean trying to go with the flow a little more. Stop putting all my hope into what will happen EVENTUALLY, and instead focusing on right now. I must allow things to happen the way they are meant to instead of how I want them to happen. I don’t want to waste anymore time planning when I can be doing instead.                                                                                     

6 Months, and counting

In 180 days, I turn 30. 

This seems to have kicked the hamster into overdrive, because my mind has been racing for weeks. Aside from often keeping me up all night, my hamster is also forcing some perspective onto me. The quicker the wheel spins, the more questions arise and the longer I stay awake, the more theories are borne. I over-analyse and self-reflect and sometimes I am hit with some tough realizations and truths. Sometimes, I claim to have epiphanies.  I have learned it is to take the good along with the bad. I have a great life. AND I have someone to share it with. Someone who loves me and accepts me the way I am, with all my quirks and faults (and trust me, there are plenty). I have someone who works his ass off in order to give me the chance to follow my dreams (or at least to figure out what they are), to find happiness. Not to say I am unhappy. I know a million people would give just about anything to be in my shoes. I know I am lucky. I just cannot shake the feeling that I am not meant to be here, now, doing this. 

I look at my 20s (or anyone’s 20s) as sort of a grace period during which the words “I’m young, I’m still learning” excuse almost anything.  I feel like 30 somehow became the finish line, the point in time by when everything should have fallen into place. I should be more focused, goal-oriented and settled. I should be thinking about a career and a family. Instead, most days, I find myself wanting these things less and less. I feel as though I have spent the last 10 years working hard at something that does not interest me. I worked at building the life that I "should" have, not the one I actually want.  I have been through a lot in my short life, and I know harder obstacles still lay ahead. Everything that has happened to me has helped me to become the person I am today. As I have said before, I have faults (impatience, temperament and selfishness to name a few) and quirks (I am insane, I nag until I get what I want, I argue for the hell of it) just like everyone else. I know what they are, and it does not bother me all that much. I am who I am.

   I have a huge problem. I have a hard time differentiating between what I       can change, and what is beyond my control. This becomes very frustrating for me. The more I tell myself to be less critical and more open-minded, the more ridiculous things happen in the world. The more I tell myself to be calm, the stupider things I hear. Everything is connected, and I somehow feel I am not doing enough to make this world a better place. If I could cure Malaria, I would. If I could feed the poor, I would. If I knew how to make my life better I would. I just feel useless sometimes, and it is often because of things that I have no power over.

I try to be hopeful, I really do. I try to see the silver lining, the light at the end of the tunnel (for the record, I hate tunnels, I am claustrophobic and I go CRAZY), that tomorrow is another day and all those cliché adages we use to avoid dealing with what is going on. I believe that you can do whatever you want if you try hard enough. I believe that what you reap is what you sow. There is where the problem lies. I want to save the world yet at the same time, I hate everything about who we have become today. I figured I had to turn over a new leaf and try to be tolerant to everyone, not only those I deemed worthy. While I am trying my best to become more patient and accepting, humanity is making it harder and harder for me to show compassion. The harder I try to put my best foot forward, the more people make me want to punch them in the face.

The bottom line is that I want to become a better person. Not according to what society deems is “better”, but to really adhere to what I believe in. I want to show compassion and mean it. I want to help people without necessarily gaining anything by doing so. I want to be happy… really, really happy. I want to be accepting of others, even if their beliefs are different from mine. I want to treat people with kindness and empathy. I want to make people proud of me, not because they love me or have to be, but because I merited it. I want to be the kind of person he deserves to be with.

And my mission , for the next 6 months is to try piecing together all I have learned and lived through and finally understanding myself. Only then will I be able to be the best version of myself and begin living live to the best of my abilities. Only then will I see, clearly, what I expect out of life, what my role is, how I fit in to the larger picture.