6 Months, and counting

In 180 days, I turn 30. 

This seems to have kicked the hamster into overdrive, because my mind has been racing for weeks. Aside from often keeping me up all night, my hamster is also forcing some perspective onto me. The quicker the wheel spins, the more questions arise and the longer I stay awake, the more theories are borne. I over-analyse and self-reflect and sometimes I am hit with some tough realizations and truths. Sometimes, I claim to have epiphanies.  I have learned it is to take the good along with the bad. I have a great life. AND I have someone to share it with. Someone who loves me and accepts me the way I am, with all my quirks and faults (and trust me, there are plenty). I have someone who works his ass off in order to give me the chance to follow my dreams (or at least to figure out what they are), to find happiness. Not to say I am unhappy. I know a million people would give just about anything to be in my shoes. I know I am lucky. I just cannot shake the feeling that I am not meant to be here, now, doing this. 

I look at my 20s (or anyone’s 20s) as sort of a grace period during which the words “I’m young, I’m still learning” excuse almost anything.  I feel like 30 somehow became the finish line, the point in time by when everything should have fallen into place. I should be more focused, goal-oriented and settled. I should be thinking about a career and a family. Instead, most days, I find myself wanting these things less and less. I feel as though I have spent the last 10 years working hard at something that does not interest me. I worked at building the life that I "should" have, not the one I actually want.  I have been through a lot in my short life, and I know harder obstacles still lay ahead. Everything that has happened to me has helped me to become the person I am today. As I have said before, I have faults (impatience, temperament and selfishness to name a few) and quirks (I am insane, I nag until I get what I want, I argue for the hell of it) just like everyone else. I know what they are, and it does not bother me all that much. I am who I am.

   I have a huge problem. I have a hard time differentiating between what I       can change, and what is beyond my control. This becomes very frustrating for me. The more I tell myself to be less critical and more open-minded, the more ridiculous things happen in the world. The more I tell myself to be calm, the stupider things I hear. Everything is connected, and I somehow feel I am not doing enough to make this world a better place. If I could cure Malaria, I would. If I could feed the poor, I would. If I knew how to make my life better I would. I just feel useless sometimes, and it is often because of things that I have no power over.

I try to be hopeful, I really do. I try to see the silver lining, the light at the end of the tunnel (for the record, I hate tunnels, I am claustrophobic and I go CRAZY), that tomorrow is another day and all those cliché adages we use to avoid dealing with what is going on. I believe that you can do whatever you want if you try hard enough. I believe that what you reap is what you sow. There is where the problem lies. I want to save the world yet at the same time, I hate everything about who we have become today. I figured I had to turn over a new leaf and try to be tolerant to everyone, not only those I deemed worthy. While I am trying my best to become more patient and accepting, humanity is making it harder and harder for me to show compassion. The harder I try to put my best foot forward, the more people make me want to punch them in the face.

The bottom line is that I want to become a better person. Not according to what society deems is “better”, but to really adhere to what I believe in. I want to show compassion and mean it. I want to help people without necessarily gaining anything by doing so. I want to be happy… really, really happy. I want to be accepting of others, even if their beliefs are different from mine. I want to treat people with kindness and empathy. I want to make people proud of me, not because they love me or have to be, but because I merited it. I want to be the kind of person he deserves to be with.

And my mission , for the next 6 months is to try piecing together all I have learned and lived through and finally understanding myself. Only then will I be able to be the best version of myself and begin living live to the best of my abilities. Only then will I see, clearly, what I expect out of life, what my role is, how I fit in to the larger picture.